HOLIDAY MALL PARKING RULES FOR FOOLS

"Parking During Holidays III"

Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into
a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY"
driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and
wait.

Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot
with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking
spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a
parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point
turn to pull into it.

Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind
or tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in
shopping center parking lots. While you're at it,
dump out all the garbage, too, including that
Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back
seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's
diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under
the car next to you.

Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you
to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take
your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and
eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your
shopping bags and look at what you just bought.


"Parking During Holidays IV"

Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if
there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it
with your bumper and send it rolling into another
car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too
close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it
go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and
walk toward the stores.

Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a
busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers
waiting for a spot to make them think that you
are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk
between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which
requires you to load your bags into the car and
go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the
driver who is sitting patiently watching you load
your car and signalling for your spot.

Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you
notice other shoppers walking past your car to get
to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain
remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden
loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of
them.

Rule No. 23: If you don't see a speed limit sign
posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the
driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and
start writing. This is especially effective if there
are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write,
"There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car.
They think I'm writing my name, address, and
phone number. I am not."